the problem with you is that you always have to wait. always have to believe that you always have to wait. stop it.

its weird. now that im provided with so many options finally, i suddenly feel so hesitant to act.

its weird. now that im provided with so many options finally, i suddenly feel so hesitant to act.

   its funny how you spend your life in determinable phases and yet you seem baffled by experiences or the whole process of life itself. its even funnier how you then, become so engrossed with wanting to know what happens next commonly spending time on tarot cards or oprah when you're a girl or doing the same if you're a sensitive effeminate man.

   nothing much is happening in my life. there are pretty good options and great potential but im not counting before things manifest themselves. thats something you acquire growing up. the sense of patience to weigh things and see what exactly they'll turn out to be rather than being excited and making all the wrong moves and in the end, creating disappointment and frustration for yourself. there's just a lot more things to think about when you get a little older i guess that you become cautious about stuff.

   so, acads are pretty much ok. im pleased with myself for actually trying to do something rather than just sit down in class counting minutes like i used to do. i got even more invovlved with my field of study and it seems i've actually made people see how i could contribute. not much socializing though. i've come to realize its not very fulfilling to have so many incidences of laughter in a day but having a few and enjoying them fully.

   oh well, he's still there in the corner. lately hes been reckless things, like getting drunk in the morning or maybe that was the night before. there seems to be no clear distinction between hangovers and drunkeness when it comes to him, see. i noticed he's into a little bit mingling with people right now. and most importantly, that he already knows almost everything. i have gotten so over it but sometimes there is that occasional sighs and frustration. i really do hope he finally realizes just how much he's worth.

   my friends seem to be convinced that im ok. well, i am really. but it matters a lot to me to hear objective remarks on my condition regarding the matter. at least im sure im not just convincing myself. a friend has me making contact with this friend of hers she met through her boyfriend. pretty nice fellow. he's actually got that cute thing about him. sort of the things that make you smile, if only you'd really look. an adorable kid. and kid it is, since hes about two years younger than i am. i know its crazy. and i dont know what im supposed to do or what im doing but he's "nakakatuwa" in vernacular. so lets just see.

   sheesh. im losing more weight. i dont know why. some days i think i might be regaining pounds but some days i just seem so fucking bony.

its unbelievably humid today. i somehow feel like im walking out of a sauna bath everytime i try to move any part of my body. these days, simple thinking surely would leave you all greasy enough you'd look like you were best suited for some whaler ship or the like.

was late for class this morning. the girl in front of me on the escalator just needed to fix her hair, and consequently blocked my way up the fucking escalator. the next thing i knew, it wasn't surprising i missed the train again. sat beside a blockmate on the next train. couldnt believe the inconvenience of filling minutes with useless chatter just to avoid those awkward moments of silence. true friends are absolutely those you could be comfortably silent with. words somehow have ways of denying empty thoughts or gross feelings. seems like once you've got it all covered up by chatter, there's no need to dig deeper.

the professor was a delight. didint think she'd be a lot younger than i expected. this semester's just got me filled with subjects administered by a variety of old professors that its hard not to feel pretty desperate and hopeless. the old ones usually are the seasoned ones, though this may be true only in the case of my past philosophy professors. time has a way of locking people up in their past that the more you move forward, the more reason there is to look back for comfort. moving farther from the joy of childhood may be a little bit frightening i guess. sort of a foreboding of death or judgement.

had the toughest time sleeping yesterday. should have known the dangers of watching escaflowne series the whole day. i swear i couldnt just shake that opening theme off my head. whats worse is that today's the first day of school which  has me up and about until 9 tonight in class.

just finished watching i heart huckabees on dvd. well not exactly finished since my dad had to disrupt my viewing near its end. he had to use the the power supply in welding the fence around his planter's boxes. i do not know what exactly the movie points out as existentialism and how it becomes a comedy. but maybe if you look at it in the prespective which tells you bluntly that it is misleading as existential primer, then maybe it after all a comedy. the laughing matter might well be that dustin hoffman, who was supposed to be the existential investigator in the film, is not actually the existentialist. and that probably is it in a nutshell.

its an interesting movie, save that most of the questions regarding existentialism aren't as thought provoking. i mean, we've all heard that in introduction to philosophy. i wish it offered a more in depth query. like the condemnation to freedom and what we choose to do with it. using that as a jumpstart instead of ending the film with that thought would've been nicer. nonetheless, its quite rare to see such movies boldly and directly centering on existentialism.

Classes start next week, on Tuesday precisely. This semester is going to have me tired and sleepy, working like a drone, which is quite foreboding considering im actually getting older. thre is about only two years left of college, then i need to find a really good job to pay for my post graduate studies. Tough does not even begin to define the hardships of hoping to do scholarly work in a third world country. i have long since planned to immediately apply for an M.A. after college, though as things progress, i realize i need more than an average income to do that. Asking help from my parents isn't an option. They've been working their asses off for as long as i can remember and they surely deserve more than that. Damn, thinking about future security makes my stomach churn.

i lost 12 pounds during the summer and that gets me down to 92 pounds or 42.2 kilos. its pretty unhealthy to lose that much weight in two months especially if i havent been eating much. And it was so surprising that everyone kept telling me i had to eat more. its weird, im not even depressed but still losing weight.

weight loss would become quite an understatement this semester. I have 6-9PM. classes almost everyday. Though it does not really bother me, they're pretty much major subjects or those im interested in. I especially hope i get through this first week without falling asleep in class. Nothing beats the couch, not even my bed. And when it gets really windy during the rainy season, all you'd want to do is take a nap, or maybe just a couple of hours more.

Meeting a friend at the mall later for dinner at her house. i acquire a momentary semblance od agoraphobia everytime i step into a mall during summertime. there are simply lots of people ready to bump into you or step on your foot. habitually, i wear comfy clothes whenever im around there to prevent people from staring at you like you're one botique mannequin come to life, or a straved model busy checking on endorsements. There is probably one big mall for every city in metro manila. amazingly, filipinos  are very fashionable people. Even the lady selling fried bananas in the street seem to be aware of what kinds of tops are "in" for the summer.

i feel miserable than ever and like the true female that I am, Im going to get my hair cut later to relieve myself of this rapidly changing-weathers-induced depression. nothing special though. it would most likely be the same mod hairstyle i had before. its as if to announce that im in good condition or that im fairly surviving things.